quote of the day #7

“let the beauty of what you love be what you do”

-Rumi

 

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i can’t write

i can’t write

honestly

i don’t know why i even

try

the words just don’t fit or flow

i feel like i’m drowning in letters and symbols

the clicking of my keyboard gets louder

and louder

AND LOUDER

i can barely hear myself think

but then

after what feels like

an eternity

it’s done

it’s finally over

i look back at the words that i wrote

and

i smile

so much time

so many tears

went into these words

and

huh

it’s actually pretty okay

maybe

i can write

love at first sight?

our eyes meet

they greet one another

they converse

and reveal their true feelings

our eyes share a dance

they sway back and forth

to the rhythm of their beating hearts

our beating hearts

a glance turns to a gaze

an ever-deepening gaze

but,

i blink

the rhythm ceases

and our eyes are left in a dark, lonely

silence

 

 

 

rambling #1: cutting my hair

I’ve admired girls with cute, short hair for a while now. You know, like Halle Berry with her pixie cut or Lupita Nyong’o with her TWA. Fun fact: I always saw the acronym TWA, but never actually knew what it meant until I cut my own hair. It actually means “Teeny Weeny Afro”, go figure.

It amazed me that some girls, especially the Women of Color that I idolized (being a WOC myself) could be beautiful and confident without having hair to frame their faces.

When I was really young, the image of the perfect, pretty girl had been engrained in my head as having long hair, to her waist. That’s all that I knew from playing with Barbies, watching movies, and seeing the girls in magazines.

I believed that long hair made you pretty. Or at the very least, prettier. So, I started to grow out my hair (as much as I could: my hair grew slowly and I had to cut it constantly because of split ends and what not.)

But as I started to grow older and started to notice the girls with shorter hair, they really captured my attention. They were pretty enough that they didn’t need hair. Their faces, their bone structure, and their bodies were already beautiful. And this was mind blowing for a girl who only thought she looked good when he hairstyle looked good too.

And course I know now that girls don’t just cut their hair short because they know that they’re “already pretty enough”, but that’s what 5th grade me thought. Cut 5th grade me some slack.

So fast forward to the beginning of 2018. My hair was growing to a considerable length. Nothing crazy, but long enough to cover my shoulders, which was a huge deal for me. But I noticed that I was relying on my hair to make me look nice. If I looked at my face and didn’t like what I saw, I would style my hair really well. That way it would balance out (or at least that was my thought process). I didn’t really love myself, I just loved my hair, which was not a good way to live.

Then I went on Youtube and saw this girl’s video recommended underneath a make-up tutorial that I was watching. Her channel name was HannahMussette and she looked a couple years older than me. I almost scrolled past until I noticed something. She had cut her her hair really short and her hair texture was very similar to mine.

So I clicked on that video, and ended up watching her videos for the next hour. She cut her hair because she had damaged ends from straightening it too much, a story much like mine.

Watching her videos and seeing how confident she was, how beautiful she was, boosted my confidence 1000%. I began to think: maybe I could love myself with short hair, too.

So in February, when I asked my mom if I could cut my hair, she asked me why. I told her was that it was because of damaged ends, which was partly true, but not the main reason.

It was actually because I wanted to learn to love myself a little better. Not just the girl I looked like when my hair was really styled well or when it looked long, straight, and sleek. But the girl I looked like when it was just me staring back in the mirror. No embellishments, no fancy hairstyles. Just me and my TWA.

After two weeks if begging, my mom finally said yes. And it was one of the best decisions that I’ve ever made 🙂